U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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