I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
