I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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