Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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