Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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