I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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