I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
