I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
