My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
