You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
