my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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