chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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