from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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