I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
