Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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