i don't like sucking hair
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
