My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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