Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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