when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
