I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
