I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
