Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
