For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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