We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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