she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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