i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
