is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize