Nicole vs. Life
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
