He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
