After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
