he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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