I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
