Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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