At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
