so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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