Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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