I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
