just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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