I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She needs sedatives and a leash
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
