My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
