Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
