you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
