my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
