Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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