Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
