im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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