Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
