so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my shit smells like andre
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
