I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize