Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize