What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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