you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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