i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
