why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
