god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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