Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize