Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
