So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just cropdusted the office
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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