She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I love having hate sex.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
