I don't think brook has ever known best
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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