And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
