Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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