At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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