the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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